LGBTQ Community insight



  • Hi EZA Community,
    I have been a Patreon supporter for a year and a Twitch supporter for 9 months. I have communicated with many of you through those venues as well as Twitch and it is very clear many of you are members of the LGBTQ community as well. I have never interacted on these forums since I have limited time for social media and barely have time to fit the various EZA shows I enjoy into my schedule, but a topic has been brought to the forefront of my mind and heart and hopefully I can get some guidance from you wonderful people.
    Many of you know I have a 14 year old daughter (I use this term strictly because of birth gender and for frame of reference). Her dad and I have tried to raise her gender-open, not pushing one way or the other, with activities, interests or clothes. From the time she was very little she would dress "girly" one day in a blouse and skirt and wear jeans and a t-shirt another. We would buy shirts relating to her interests regardless of whether it was a "boy" shirt or a "girl" shirt. If it was Minecraft or Dora or Pink Floyd, it didn't matter what department it was in.
    For her 8th birthday I took her and a few other girls out for mani-pedi's and shopping and she and the others had a great time. By the time she was 10 she decided she wanted to cut her hair short, which I hesitatingly said was ok, since her hair was so beautiful long, but it was her hair, she could have it how she wanted. She has kept it short ever since and later that year got into quite a bit of trouble going on social media sites after bed time, and it turned out she was looking at LGBT sites. She confessed a 13yr old at camp who said she was transgender had asked her a bunch of questions about her interests and she wanted to know more. I said if she has questions she should talk to me and we would research together. She continued to go on these sites in secret against my wishes at times when she was supposed to be sleeping or working on homework.
    At that point, she decided she felt she was a boy and secretly had her friends referring to her by a different masculine name. She began using this name with educators and when I found out I said she had to use the name she was registered as, for safety and security reasons. I said I didn't think she was a boy and figured she was going through puberty and her body was changing, she would realize gender wasn't a big deal, her dad and I would help her pursue whatever career she wanted, regardless of whether it was something "women don't do".
    The thing is, at this point her dad and I went online and researched transgender kids and how do you know and signs to watch for, and she showed none of them. We even agreed to take her to therapy to work through what was going on. Here we thought we were raising her without concern about labels and "boxes" and now she was trying to label herself and put herself in a box. And I truly want to do what is best for her, but having experienced a lot of what she's going through but not living in her skin, I know I don't really know what it's like. Society has made gender awareness such a hot topic of discussion and contention lately and kids are seeing these terms at a younger age. I didn't hear the term "transgender" until I was in my late 20's, and kids as young as 8 are being taught about it in schools now.
    After several months in therapy, she told me she's transgender and wants to use male pronouns, but the more she grows the more I see she doesn't act "like a boy" it gets harder for me to believe that this is factual. I really feel it is because of the thrill of confusing people and the power of controlling not just what they think of her gender but also controlling a part of her life that her parents have no possible way of controlling. When she says "I like boy things and I feel like a boy so I know it's true", I wonder how she knows what it feels like to be a boy when she has no siblings and has never been masculine or athletic. I could say I like sushi and Anime but that doesn't make me Japanese. She was never into trucks or dinosaurs or rolling in the mud, but she liked science and building so she played with legos and studied electronics. I keep telling her to wait until she's older and her body stabilizes but this claim persists.
    She keeps reading about transgender people and what they've gone through and I certainly don't doubt that there are transgender people. I have several friends in the LGBT community and like to think I am sensitive to their causes and issues because of this and because of the gender-questioning issues I have personally gone through. I have told her if she becomes and adult and still feels that she is transgender I will support her and will always love her, but I worry that this insistence and my trying to point out all the ways she's not a boy will just drive her to let go of all those traits. I have told her on numerous occasions it doesn't matter what gender she is, she can do what she wants and be who she wants, but then I feel like I'm not supporting her now as she is saying she wants to be seen as a boy.
    I was hoping this topic could be an open forum to enlighten me on personal experiences. I can look at the internet all day long and not find out the reality of the situation.. If you don't mind sharing, when did you first start feeling like your gender identity didn't match your biological birth gender? Was your feelings dictated more about interests or about how you wanted your physical appearance to be presented? Did you want to use the bathroom of the other gender? Did you try to not use public bathrooms at all for this reason? Did your parents support you or did they ignore your claims? Did any of you think you were transgender when you were younger (going through puberty) and then realize you weren't?
    See, I was always a "tom-boy" which is what we always were called when I was in school. I hated wearing dresses though I had to every Sunday for church (the best thing about turning 18 and not having to go was I didn't have to wear them) and occasionally for important events. I never liked my body and always wanted to look like the "other girls" who were thin and had long legs and boys interested in them. I was strong and played football with the other boys at recess and always dressed for comfort over fashion, and still do. I don't wear makeup or "do my hair" and often wear men's clothes because they're not only more comfortable but offer things women's clothes don't...actual POCKETS! I was seen as "one of the guys" and though I was always interested more masculine activities, had male friends and rarely dressed up, I never doubted that inside I was a girl.
    My dad was an emotionally open person and affectionate, and slightly feminine and my mom was like me, tomboy, rough and tumble, highly unfashionable. My daughter grew up with parents that had the same non-traditional gender roles. Her dad liked bubble baths and had long hair and I had short hair and liked to build stuff and fix cars. Neither of us tried to influence her interests and we did our best not to assign genders to specific interests.
    I appreciate your openness and hope I can work through this in my own head and heart. I don't want to be seen as forcing her to accept her birth gender, but I also don't want to see her develop relationships with others based on something that isn't true, if it turns out she gets to be 17 or 18 and realizes she was a girl all along. And she is attracted to boys so there's that whole dynamic too. What if someone likes her but is confused because he thinks shes a girl but she says shes a boy but she has girl parts and what if she never finds her OTP because of this? OK, yeah this is a lot especially for a first time commenter, but it really has been heavy on my heart. Thanks to all.
    Jessie Blu


  • Banned

    Do what you want, but studies have come out that show sometimes kids or some teens. One out as trans or gay or les sometimes they go back to be what they were born as sometimes it's a phase or sometimes not. Just let her go and see where the dice falls. That's my bad two cents. You should check out Blaire Whites YouTube lots of good videos on many subjects. For example.

    Youtube Video

    But I do think that parent's that TRY to raise their kids in a gender neutral way is a BAD WAY because you are just going to confuse the child in their most important years of establishing what they are and what role they play in this world. Parent's doing this will only set themself up for headaches later down the road.

    Youtube Video



  • Hi.
    I'm glad you've shared your story.
    I myself am a cis man, but have two transgender siblings whom I love very much.
    I find the best way to deal with having a loved one who is transitioning or thinking about it is to simply be supportive of their journey and make sure that they are happy, healthy, and well educated on these issues, without attempting to sway their opinion one way or the other.

    As for your personal experiences, I am a bit confused, though perhaps more context will help me to understand.
    You claim that you have tried to raise your child in a gender neutral manner, but many times throughout your post display stigma towards transgenderism and clearly label certain activities as "boy" or "girl" centric. If you truly wish to raise your child in a gender neutral manner like you claim, perhaps doing away with this train of thought may be best. Think of things, instead of which gender they are most associated with, instead as just things. Period.
    Your child knows more about their own feelings than you do, and thought you may think you know better, at least from your post, you do no seem very educated regarding gender identity. I suggest reading about as much on transgenderism as you can from as many points of view as possible.
    Transgenderism is a broad umbrella that covers many different identities. Perhaps your child is somewhere closer to the middle of the spectrum, such as gender fluid or demiboy.
    0_1571271439908_FB_IMG_1571271301568.jpg
    You say you have many LGBT friends. If any of them are transgender, ask them about their journey. Reprogramming your brain to accommodate new ways of thinking is difficult, and I still often misgender my siblings, but if it is important to them, then I will be as supportive as I can.

    But yeah. Just be there for your kid. Don't tell them how to feel, and be concerned more with making them feel comfortable and happy than trying to guide them in the "right" direction since what may be right for you is not right for them.


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    This post is deleted!


  • @acidtrip-69 not the place. Open another thread if you want to argue with somebody about this.


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  • @acidtrip-69 the op was literally asking for people's opinion. You gave yours and El gave his. You're the one doing the biting here.


  • Banned

    Wait ? Did my post just shadow banned ? Because I can only see them when I login ? So that means any guest just reading this thread will see post deleted.
    I still think it's not Ok for a person to talk down to someone just because they still use normal gender role words like girly and boyish. I guess this can by a touchy subject so kind of understand, but still think it's uncool to censor. It's kind of like censoring people of the LGTBQ that aren't of the same political points of view as the rest. All I have to say to the OP I hope you and your family find something that works for you. Oh you should really think about holding off on any hormones or surgery in till the child is of age like 18 at least.


  • Global Moderator

    Acidtrip, no one is denying that that the the primary poles of gender exist. "Boyish" and "Girly" do indeed exist for reasons, but failing (or in your case refusing) to acknowledge that there's additional depth beyond the gender binary is not helpful and the video you posted was frankly offensive, and not remotely useful to the OP's dilemma.

    Watch yourself.


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    This post is deleted!

  • Global Moderator

    @Acidtrip-69 Your posts are getting moderated because you're being rude to other users and straying off topic and are getting flagged for it. I'd advise you to discuss things civilly from now on and stay on topic instead of being passive aggressive to other users and just linking a ton of videos in every post.


  • Banned

    @kristen-rogers said in LGBTQ Community insight:

    @Acidtrip-69 Your posts are getting moderated because you're being rude to other users and straying off topic and are getting flagged for it. I'd advise you to discuss things civilly from now on and stay on topic instead of being passive aggressive to other users and just linking a ton of videos in every post.

    Well I hope you read the 1964 civil rights act because it might help you here. When it comes to different points of view.

    https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/religion.cfm

    Well OP I hope your child finds some peace and doesn't come out as a moderate or God forbid heavens no a conservative because she/he will have more trouble with that than the transitioning.



  • @acidtrip-69 Hey, sorry, my post was a bit short and rude. I'm ok with you having an opinion and trying to help out OP. I just felt like your post was also trying to instigate an argument with another user, which I felt was inappropriate considering OP's intention in starting the thread. And I think most people here are ok with you sharing your opinion, we just don't always want threads - particularly those where an individual is asking for support or advice - to turn into arguments. Arguments and stirring the pot are fine, I just felt like this thread wasn't the place.



  • @acidtrip-69 What does the civil rights act have to do with anything? Nobody in this thread is being descriminated against for their religious beliefs. The OP simply asked for other opinions and I gave mine. There were also some inconsistencies in the OP's post that I asked for them to clarify.
    Please stop playing the victim, please stop going wildly off topic, and please stop trying to start arguments.



  • @acidtrip-69 Dude, we were all cool with you until you went off on Shmiablo. As I said before, you offered your opinion, and he offered his. There was no vitriol until you created it.


  • Banned

    link text
    HERE to the OP they provide professional counseling. I hope this helps.



  • Thanks for sharing OP, I don't really have any first hand advice but I do agree that if you know anyone who is Trans that could be a very helpful and insightful conversation. It's really difficult to understand what it must feel like to be trans, to feel like you are a different gender and to experience all that while your going through puberty must be extremely difficult.

    Like others have said just let them know you're there for them, that you love them and that that will never change ,regardless of the changes they are going through.



  • First, I wanted to thank you for your responses and apologize for not posting sooner. I have such a busy schedule I had time to pop in a few weeks ago to read them but have not yet had time to craft an adequate response. I thought you all might want an update so…
    In response to the comments about me “clearly label certain activities as "boy" or "girl" centric. ” I was refering to how STORES refer to those items/aisles and not stating that I personally feel items should have a gender attached. I personally do NOT feel this way. Refering to my child by birth gender was for clarification because there has been no official determination of whether my child is TG or if so, what sub-group they would likely feel attached to. And yes, my child was in therapy, though this was a “youth services” therapist and not a specialist in TG issues, and I felt she ended the therapy too soon even though she stated my child was “in a good place”.
    And yes, I did read a lot about TG and youth that transition and terms, but as far as I could see all the sites I saw (which I’m sure was not all the sites out there) have the standing that if your child thinks they might be, then they are and you have to support them or you’re a horrible person and you’re discriminating against them or you’re emotionally damaging them. They also come from the point of people whose children showed signs from very young age which mine did not, which was very confusing and is why I continued to seek help and ask for insight, which I didn’t get (in the past few years).
    I haven’t been in a situation before where I had access to such a gender diverse group of people, where I could try to get the advise of people in a real life situation, rather than a random 3 people who agree with this person, comment loudly but have nothing to do with what 98.6% of the rest of the group think. I don’t go on reddit or troll comment boards. I don’t have hours to do research. And my kid seems basically happy. If there seemed to be emotional distress, believe me I would be much more active about getting to the heart of this matter.
    That being said, after I read your comments a few weeks back, my child and I did have a lenghtly talk about this and I offered a compromise. A transition to the transition, as it were… and was flat-out rejected. Our compromise was about the home transition now and public transition later but, turns out school was utmost important part and deal-breaker for my child. It turns out when it comes down to the nitty gritty, it’s about their life is normal and boring and they want to feel special. They don’t have any interest in publicly being known as a boy by our friends and relations. It’s all about the kids at school. They have created this persona and it actually improves their rep with them if there is conflict with me about it. None of this has been outright said but when I’m around their group and just the two of us talking alone, as a mom I am good at reading the body language cues and I see this is the case. The more this claim is rejected verbally the more I see the reactions and it’s reinforced. Over the past couple weeks I have been gently pressing and watching reactions and seeing this is the case.
    I am 100% ready to support my child if it turns out that they are indeed transgender, I just feel sick at the thought that my child could be using the popularity of the term and the growing awareness of this sector of the population to try to become more popular when they aren’t really TG. However, with the various subheadings under the broad term, one could feel comfortable using a more gender neutral term when refering to themselves and still later end up using she/her pronouns as an adult, even though they used he/him pronouns though high school. I have decided with your insight and help, that this is basically a non-issue that will work itself out and whatever “label” my kid falls under now or later will not affect how much I love them. Thanks Chat. <3