Just need to vent this out to anyone

  • Super long post, and a bit personal but I have some conflicted feelings I need to get off my chest.

    So last May my grandma on my dad's side passed away, and while I was initially a bit sad I never had a moment of breaking down a crying, in fact I never shed a single tear for her. Afterwards at her funeral aunts, uncles and cousins were talking about her, and I came to an epiphany...maybe. That being that grandma just didn't seem to care about my family. Everyone basically had all these memories of grandma doing this or that for them, taking them here or there, or times grandma helped them out of this or that issue.

    I didn't have much to add to the conversations except that I remembered a trip grandma took me and two of my other cousins on to St.Augestine, we went to the fort, to colonial town, and a few other places, until one of my cousins (who for reference is 7 months older then me) chimed in with "oh yeah I had to convince grandma bring you with us". I was left a bit dumbstruck honestly, I asked both my cousins who went why I wasn't initially included to which both said "grandma said you weren't old enough for this trip". Afterwards I started remembering things, grandma showing up on my birthday, but only sparing a few minutes to gift me a small card before leaving, grandma giving my cousins cash and gifts for birthdays and Christmas, grandma giving me and my brother scratch off tickets for Christmas one year (I was 13 and my brother was 8) while my cousins got $300, told me and my brother to share our winnings when said scratch offs actually won big money (I got $1200 and my brother $800 I think"), then a few days later berated us for "not investing your money properly " because we spent some of the money on gifts for ourselves.

    Two I still remember from a few years ago was grandma needing help getting a new TV, on our way to bestbuy we were talking when she blurts out "well you don't have a real job so I knew you'd be available ". Then at best buy I found a TV, in her budget, slightly bigger then her old one, and was about $40 cheaper, she instead listened to the salesman who convinced her to buy a smaller more expensive TV (by about $90 I think) which left me wondering what was the fucking point of bringing me along, especially since she opted to have the TV shipped to her house and professionally installed (TV sat on a table)

    Then from last year I was at her place to use the shower before a job interview after finishing a overnight shift. We were making small talk, killing some time before I had to leave for the interview, when she asked why I hadn't moved out of my parents place yet. I told her I actually was close to moving out before my mom had her accident (long story short, moms back got fucked up, doctor/ surgeon fucked it up more, mom can't work anymore) when she said "that's not a real problem all, she's faking it" I quickly tried to change the subject was talking about how I hope I get the job (it was a manager position at a local gameshop, ok-ish hours but better pay then my job at the time) when she goes on this tangent just throwing random questions at me so rapid fire that I didn't have a chance to respond, eventually I had enough and left and just went to the location for my interview.

    Recently I was at grandma's, the place mostly barren as people collected what they wanted. I don't even remember what compelled me to go to her place, but I did, and I saw that the clock she had that was actually built by my grandfather (who died many years before I was born) was still there, I took it home and was trying to figure out how to set it/rewind it when I found a false bottom in it, inside I found a will something no one knew existed. I read it and learned that well me, my brother, and dad we were to get nothing. I also learned thru it that grandma had been paying the rent for one of my cousins, and the will mentioned that my aunt was to keep paying it.

    I just feel so....unloved I guess is the word I'm looking for, like I know me and my brother made effort to see grandma, to spend time with her, hell I was envious anytime one of my cousins actually got to do anything with grandma as me and my brother basically only saw her 4-5 times a year, while my cousins seemed to see her basically every day, hell she actually got a job as a school nurse when my youngest cousin started kindergarten just so she could keep an eye on him, which is sorta creepy in retrospect.